seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
