i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
