The maid of honor just puked.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
