I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
