Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
