she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
