Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
