those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
