I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
