Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said