atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
