i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
