One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
