she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i think we sleep fucked last night...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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