I'm gonna have a badass scar
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
