wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
