I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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