Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
