Where is the hickey?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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