The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
