You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
