oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
