My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
