The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
