My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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