Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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