Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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