I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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