you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
