you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
