Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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