I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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