He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
