If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
