I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
