im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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