I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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