Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am midnight drunk by noon
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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