It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found your dick twin last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
