Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
should my penis look like a turkey
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
