idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
