somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Four minutes until I can fart!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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