I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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