Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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