Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
