i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
