he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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