I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
