The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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