Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
