chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
