i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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