my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
