That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
