I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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