grandma shit on top of the toilet
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
