I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
