Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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