I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
