Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
